A couple of pictures to share..

 For the 3rd year in a row Brittney will be participating in the Jr Miss Johnson pagent.  She was hooked after the first year because she came in first runner up even though she’d never been in a pagent and we only spent $30 on a dress AND I did her hair and makeup.  So….she wanted me to try and get a good shot for Miss Photogenic, I tried and didn’t really succed in what SHE was looking for but I will post her best shot and then of course Alli had to get involved…

I’m suddenly obsessed with my email!  *blushing

Well, not really but I do find myself checking it frequently.  The yahoo group I joined has over 1800 members, most of which came there to talk about someone they love being addicted to this game.  I am still in shock at how wide-spread this is but sadly every story is the same.  I’m going to write some things down hopefully as a journal of my journey out of this world.  I honestly hope that no one here will criticize me for my deep feelings and more than that I hope no one will think too badly of my husband.  This is the man that I love – he’s being a jerk right now (Grace says that’s normal 😉 )  but it doesn’t change the fact that there WAS a reason I fell in love with him – and somewhere he is still that man.

Just today I read a comment that really made me think:

Now just in the past couple of weeks that I have been here, a few of
our SO’s have come around to joining the ranks of reality, and we are
fortunate to also have recovering addicts who have figured it out for
real with insight and honesty.
Now I know I should just “get over it” regarding Mothers days gone
bad, but thats not the problem. It would be so much easier to just
blame the game. He forgot MDay cuz of the damn game…he doesnt hold
his responsibility with the family cuz of the game…she wont go to a
funeral cuz of the game…He ignores me cuz of the game.  WAKE UP!!!!! Blaming the gaming is a cop out and yes, its deeper than that.  And those who are so lucky they’ve cut back their wow time(myself included) and began behaving normally again, sure enjoy it while it lasts. I dont know about the others. I can say honestly though in this, that our marriage was dangling by a thread even before WoW was a
serious issue recently. I am no happier in the past two weeks as I was two months ago being ignored.  Wow gave me the excuse to detach and stop trying. Its tangible and easy to explain. Its easier to explain than we have nothing in common
anymore. His ways of this and that are no longer acceptable to me.  His phoney oblivion is a mask of his indifference.  My husband is a very smart man and I have been lucky to see him at his  most insightful, intuitive, and considerate self when he has bothered to put the effort into it. However those times are too few and far
between at this house. Unfortunately for this wow widow the game is not
the root of the problem as I dont wish this on any of you fine ppl. I do however want you to sit back and take a look at what MAY be the actual issue after the honeymoon period you may have now is over.

So, how WAS our marriage before the game?  Do I remember before the game?  The honest answer …. I wasn’t easy to live with.  Then again – neither was he!  Before WoW became such an obsession we didn’t spend a lot of time together anway.  Let’s face it…we have 6 kids.  3 of those came in the last 5 years.  I have literally been pregnant or nursing since Aug 2000.  Wonder what kind of hormonal mess my husband has been living with.  I honestly wonder how we even conceived those last two babies…..yeah, yeah…it just takes one time, hehehehe.  My life has been all about babies.  I KNOW that I wasn’t meeting his needs of being a man, being the hero, being the hunter…all that jazz.  I understand that he had to look somewhere else for that.  I’m even semi-ok with the fact that it’s a computer game.  BUT – somewhere in my childhood I got in my mind that fantasy/dragons/magic/witchcraft were all one in the same….all from satan….ALL evil.  So I’ve had a bad attitude, resentment, anger towards gaming since we met.  I’ve fought him even having it in the house.  I’ve fought him allowing the kids to play.  There’s been MANY battles over gaming.  I’ve relaxed about it a lot.  My kids have seen LOTR series (though I still can’t bring myself to watch) and they’ve all held a character in WoW.  I have set the limits at the kids playing WoW with live chat so they don’t play much as it is a game that requires teamwork.  I know that some of my resentment has to do with these deep set feelings and I know that some of his determination to play has to do with letting me know he’s not going to stop just because I don’t like it.  Where was I going with this?  lol

So, yeah – even if WoW disappeared today our marriage wouldn’t be instantly healed.  On top of the fact that there were already “issues”, I have some very deep hurts from the past few months.  Things that I don’t know if I’ll easily get past.  Ralph is one of the calmest, soft-spoken men I’ve ever met.  [used to drive me insane…I NEEED to argue.]  In the last 6 months I have seen him lose his temper at least 4 different times.  Now, you may not think that’s too bad – BUT…that’s 4 out of 6 or 7 times in TEN YEARS.  And it usually happens when I’m interrupting game-play.  It’s like he’s in another world.

Anyway – that’s a start to what’s going on here.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  My new friends don’t seem to have any answers….just like any addiction, the person has to WANT to change.  For now I really want to see a counselor and hope to work some of this out.  More than that – I really want a restoration of the hurt that I’ve felt for God and the church over the last few months.  These feelings have built a wall thicker than Jerrico and I’m ready for the marching to begin and the sounding of the trumpets.  Anybody up for carrying the ark?

 

What I SHOULD be doing is the first chapter in my study guide for “Captivating” because I have study on Tues night and it’s the second week of the first chapter and I just got the guide yesterday.  Instead I am going to just write for a bit. 

I’m really struggling.  Really.  A lot.  More than I ever thought possible for a Christian.  So much so that I wonder if I am?  Yet I know what I believe the Bible to say and deep, deep inside I have hope that there is a place to go.  There’s a song that THE FISH has been playing a lot called “Resurrection”  and part of it says ….only you can take this empty shell and make me whole again…   But I don’t even have enough left in me to be emotional about a line like that.  It’s like I KNOW that God could put me back together but for some reason I’m comforted in all the pieces of humpty dumpty.  Well comforted may not be the right word…..but I don’t have a desire to DO anything to change what I’m feeling.

Without all the details – Ralph and I are having problems.  We’ve BEEN having problems.  I’m sure he is as unhappy as I am.  We never communicate, we’re not friends anymore, we aren’t partners, we’re not lovers, we’re just two people living in a house together and trying to raise kids.  I’ve given up hope that there could be more.  I’ve tried to talk to a few friends but it seems that most everyone has had “rough” times and it always gets better…yada yada yada….I don’t think I believe them.  I mean – how do you get over some of the hurts.  Forgiveness?  yeah – I don’t see that coming easily. And it’s not like he’s out with someone else (at least not that I know of) but I have so much hurt that is getting to be years old. 

Right now I am debating sending him an email “contract”.  But I don’t know which one to start with;  the one that says these are my expectations of a healthy marriage can you help me get there or the one that says I’m moving into Alli’s room these are my expectations of you since I want you to still live in this house and help raise these kids?  I really have no reason or need for a divorce – it would be too much trouble.  And I think that I’m ok with just living like this if I KNOW what to (not) expect from him. 

Anyway, I need to get back to house cleaning and laundry and try to get in some of that study…not sure why other than that book really hits the nail on the head when it comes to women NEEDING to be loved. 

 

 

 

Ending the silence

LOL!  I’m trying to let everyone know of my move here to xanga…..but it’s killing me that I STILL can’t remember the password to my blogspot. 

Anyway.  Today it happened.  One of my students, a sweet (but sometimes irritating) 5th grader told me she loved me.  *sniff*  I was walking that class back to the main building and Kate just happened to be last in line.  She very casually put her arm around my waist and said “are you walking with me?”  and I said yes and she said “I love you Ms Katy Paul”.   My heart swelled.

I am still thoroughly enjoying every single minute of my job.  I usually arrive at 7:30 – and I think back to just months ago when I was grouchy if I was out of BED at that time, much less is full make-up and heels.  But I feel joy and find myself easily humming down the halls.  I have to do a lot of walking most days.  My music classes are taught on the main hall but that is just on mondays.  Every other day I have go by the office and get a key and then walk up two sets of stairs and across campus to the mobile building.  And if I need ANYTHING I have to go back to the main building (bathroom, water, phone).   I’ve been working on the library and hoping to have it completely organized in about 3 weeks.  They have about 300 books but they were completely mixed together and in boxes a month ago.  So far I have catagorized according to reading level and hard/paper back.  I have started putting them in subjects within their section but that will take a long time and need to be cross-referenced.  I wish I knew of a computer program that would help me with getting labels printed and such.  Though I don’t want anything quite as complicated at the card catalog at a public library. 

Home life is normal.  Ralph and I barely see each other.  Samuel and Alli are always happy to see me at lunch time and I often get to lay down for a bit before time to pick up school kids.  Then there are days like today where my head hurts and the house is too messy for me to even rest – yet, here I sit still NOT cleaning. 

That’s all for now.  I will try to have more writing soon.   ~k

Pictures of the kids…just because 🙂

Brittney on her 13th birthday

Sarah Beth after a new hair cut:

Nicholas on his 9th b-day…:

 

Jacob at his pre-k graduation (I cut off the two beauties he was in between)

Samuel being silly last week (he’s 3)

and beautiful Alli: