It’s never anything happy…

And I hate that….but I figure, it’s my blog and well, this is MY life.  This is a letter I sent to a friend asking for advice – but why stop with one friend?   Anybody  got advice?

 

 

I’m having some BIG issues with Nicholas.  Disobedience, disrespect, lying…you know the simple stuff (rolleyes!).  I don’t know how to punish him – more than that, I don’t know how to make him care.  Nicholas is VERY relaxed about life….if something goes wrong he may get upset at first but he’s totally over it within minutes.  He also doesn’t feel pain AT ALL.  He has told me that spankings don’t hurt, he’s had stitches twice with nothing to numb the area.  However, he’s very tenderhearted and I can yell at him and make him cry.  With some stuff that is…    Our current struggle is schoolwork.  He just won’t do it!  He got away with it at CMES so I moved him to Trinity, he’s been there almost a month and he’s WAY behind.  Last night I sat with him to do his schoolwork…he said that he finished his math sheet at school and left it in his desk.  He told his teacher that he just didn’t do it, couldn’t find it…. So the teacher sent me a note that he wants to talk when I pick up Nicholas.   In the past I have taken away all his toys, not let him play outside, no tv/games – with nothing to do, he simply falls asleep.  We have rewarded him for good days/weeks or good grades.  He will work toward a goal but after he reaches it, back to his old behavior.  I’ve lost my temper with him, I’ve cried in front of him, I’ve spanked him too hard, I’ve prayed with him….I don’t know what else to do.  What’s left?   I tried telling him that he will have to repeat this grade – he doesn’t care.  I’ve tried telling him I’ll put him back a year right now – he doesn’t care.  I’ve threatened homeschool – he was thrilled.  (UGH!)  He’s only 9 and I feel like I’ve totally lost control. 

 

Ralph’s take on the whole thing…. I need to change my attitude and just accept that he’s a boy and realize that I have to walk him through every.little.thing.  He suggested that I go to Nic’s classroom and talk to the teacher every afternoon (fine, but that means I have to get 2 babies out of the van and go to the 3rd floor at the church, back down, back in seats and then over to the other school all in 15 min).  Then he said I should make Nic sit with me every minute of the rest of the day…um yeah, he can follow me around from room to room – that’ll get a lot of work done. 

 

SO yes, my attitude is bad.  I’m so upset that Nicholas just doesn’t care.  I’m upset that I have to be the one to deal with it.  I’m upset that my husband thinks I could change it all and I’m choosing not to.  I’m upset that I COULD do all of this if Nicholas were my only child.  One of those times where I almost regret having 6 children.  No way can I give him what he needs – there’s just not enough of me…..I’m not enough. 

excerpt from WoW_widows group

written by a dear lady that is also living with someon addicted to WoW…

I can fully understand his need to escape, but there comes a time when you have to realize that escape is ONE step in the process of regrouping and rejoining the battle of real life. At what point do you have to stop considering it as escape and start thinking of it as quitting altogether?

 

Honestly, escape to me implies part of a journey to something better… I escape to art, to self _expression, in books, in nature and the bath, where I am given different perspectives, different ways of viewing my world and time for my mind to sort out the things I am escaping from so that I don’t have to keep escaping from the same things… escape is an exit from something unpleasant in order to forge ahead to something better.

 

When a prisoner escapes from prison, he must ask himself “Where do I go from here?” When a captive escapes from a captor, they must ask rather immediately, how will I survive this and who will assist me? I escaped an abusive man years ago because I wanted something better. Escape is work. Escape is hard… Escape IS NOT A PERMENANT CONDITION. Escape has an END. Unfortunately WoW does not have an end.

Now I wonder if she is talking about my husband and his game or me and my nights out…..

finally….

I’m sorry I’ve kept you guys in suspense about the school stuff.  I’ve been super busy just with life.

Nicholas started school at Trinity last Monday.  He is in the 4th grade class, student #13 with a wonderful (male) teacher, Dr. Lamar Fraiser.  I teach him 3 different times in the week for music and computer and by Friday when his class came in he was already just another BOY!  (ewww according to the girls and dude! acoording to the boys).  He did have homework or study work every day of the week because he is so far behind, and while I made sure he sat there to do it, he evidently didn’t retain anything.  He failed all 3 tests from last week and I was already summoned for a teacher/principal/parent conference for this week.  The positive thing with that is that I have no doubt about communication or that my child will be given the best of everything available.  I’m so thankful that this opportunity has been afforded us….even if it is costing a lot of money – seems that God had everything in His hands (yet again). 

Now, one would think that any person writing the above last sentance would kinda have it together with this God stuff, right? 

I don’t.  I can definately say that my attitude with church/God is MUCH different than a few weeks back.  I know that God has a plan.  I just struggle with the obedience part.  How can I be obedient to praise Him for everything?  Even the tough stuff?  I know, I know….I’ve read the book of James .  Count it all joy?  I’m working on it.  For now I have just decided to say that I’m choosing joy and hope and pray that God supplies it all. 

Ralph plays his game almost every minute that he is home it seems.  I don’t say anything at all anymore.  What can I say or do?  We barely talk even for the necessary and I know that our marriage is really going down-hill.  I keep saying that I’m going to talk to a counselor but I never get around to calling one.  I guess I’ve just continued on the path of…it’s never going to be better, let’s just keep going.  There are moments that aren’t so bad. 

Personally I’ve taken to spending as little time as possible at home.  I put Alli and Jacob to bed every night and then I head out…mostly to my friend Amanda’s house but I occasionally give her a break and just drive around and listen to the radio.  Not sure that it serves any purpose other than one day I hope he’ll actually notice – and say something.  If he needs me when I’m out he has one of the girls call and even though I’ve not been home when he goes to bed MANY nights he doesn’t seem to care.  Just this Fri he stayed up until 3 and I wasn’t home and he didn’t call, just went to sleep – not sure that he would have noticed if I didn’t come home at all.  Oh well….

My sister-in-law is due to have a baby any day now so my normal thanksgiving plans are up in the air.  It is the only holiday that my brothers and families come home so I am disappointed that this year will be different.  On top of that my mother is considering going to see the baby over the holiday and NOT cooking….that leaves me.  hmmm…how DO you cook a turkey?   LOL. 

Time for little ones to go to bed now. 

 

 

Last week our church (CMC) began a new serious called Just Walk Across the Room. We were supposed to begin the series the week before that but the Pastor and staff felt called to spend a week seeking Christ’s vision for our church.  Most of you reading this know how I’ve struggled lately so I wanted to share with you what’s happened over the last 2 weeks.  Following is a letter that I sent to my pastor this week.  You will see that there have been some changes in the right direction.  I still struggle every single day (sometimes every hour) but

Psalms 121:1-2

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills– where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.   

 

 

I’m putting this here in hopes that it may help someone else who is struggling. 

 

Pastor Jeff:

Almost 4 years ago I joined a message board for expecting mothers.  The board is located at iVillage and the membership is worldwide though specified for mothers of babies due in March 2003.  After getting to know the women on-line it was suggested that we see if there was someone in our area that could let the board know when our babies arrived.  I was put in a group with 3 other women from north Georgia.  Out of all of them I was the most timid about giving personal information.  It was very hard to get to know new people and even harder to imagine meeting them.  This began my walk across the room (maybe we should call it the walk across the mall).  After talking through email several weeks we decided to meet at Discover Mills mall for baby shopping.  That day I discovered that Jessica lived just a couple miles down the road from me.  We laughed that we had driven 20+ miles for “safety” but it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done.  We exchanged phone numbers and within a few weeks had become good friends.  She says that I talked about church constantly (I had only been at CMC for a couple of months at that point though saved for just over 5 years) and we soon had serious conversations about religion, faith, Jesus, what it means to be a Christian.  Jessica shared with me the very little she knew about the Bible and her upbringing in the Catholic church.  I shared with her the wonderful relationship I was experiencing with Jesus and how, regardless of our daily struggles, joy was my constant strength.  She and I spent a couple of mornings a week walking the mall (just to get out of the house) even though between us we had 5 kids under 4.  What a sight we must have been.  I invited her to church several times and she did finally come….BUT….Ken Freeman happened to give the message that day.  Now, I had NO idea that our guest speaker would be so on-fire and sitting next to my VERY frightened friend I prayed that she’d make it through the service and come back another day.  It took me a couple of weeks to convince her that our normal services were not quite so convicting.  She did eventually come back.  At some point in our deep conversations I think we both realized that Jessica was not saved.  I prayed for her daily and also prayed that God would use me if she needed any help.  She became a faithful church attender with her children (even though the baby screamed the whole service every.single.sunday!) and I started noticing changes in her.  I found out much later that she asked Christ into her heart about a year later.  I wasn’t there when she did it and never really considered that I “took part”.  Honestly, the benefit of having such a dear and true friend has been a wonderful blessing. 

 

This week, in our small group, Jessica shared that I had been the one that walked across the room for her.  I did nothing.  Christ did everything.  And it hit me….Christ is still doing everything.  The last 6 months of my life have been almost unbearable.  Each small “crisis” has built upon the last one leading up to the last month in which I fully intended to walk away from the church and Christ.  Every day was torture and misery – of my own choosing I am certain – but still I couldn’t see any hope.  I was blinded by selfishness and pride and the walls that I had chosen to build.  Yet, all along, my faith-filled friend would call or email about how GREAT is OUR GOD.  Her phone plays that song when it rings.  Her life, though filled with many of my same struggles, is full of joy and peace. 

 

The Sunday the church took “off” from regular programing and the week that followed were a turning point for me.  Sitting in church that week I could see light.  My circumstances somehow seemed small in the vast expanse of God’s love.  The candles, each and every one, danced and drew me in.  Nothing changed that day, nothing is better (even now there are new and stressful things) but I can still feel the warmth of the glow.  I was ashamed to even show up for a prayer service, I haven’t been able to pray for weeks, but I came anyway.  Sure enough, my dear friend Jessica held my hand and I was able to join my heart with hers and the others in our group and humbly pray.  I heard her pray out loud – something I know she still struggles with.  I know the sincerity of her heart.  I smile as I think….hey – I want what she has.  Lord, I’m Amazed by YOU.   That song says it all for me right now…..You dance over me, while I am unaware, You sing all around but I never hear a sound.  Lord I’m amazed by You.  How You love me.  How wide, how deep, how great is His love for me. 

 

I can look back now and see that the walk across any room is really just the first step in the circle of this abundant life.  Thank you for the new series, thank you for the one Sunday of renewal, thank you for following God. 

Trick or Treat

 Halloween costumes this year were thrown together after 4pm, lol.  I couldn’t decide what Alli should be so the first pic is of Alli as a monkey.  While I think it is adorable, I much prefer her to be femine….hey….I waited 10 years between my 2nd and 3rd girl.  So the “ballerina” won!!!!  Jacob is a football player, Sam is a caterpillar, Sarah and Nicholas both went with friends…she was princess Leia (sp?) and he was Darth Vader.  I wish I had  gotten pics of them, but maybe the other moms did and will share.  We had a really good night.  Jacob is either lazy or just too laid back to care – he was ready to go home after the first two houses.  Samuel would have kept going all night and cried when it was time to come home.  Alli….hehehehehehhe…she was adorable.  Everywhere we went she would just stand back and watch the boys, then she’d look in her bucket, look at the “giver” and walk right up and stick her bucket out there.  I tried to get video but it is too dark to see.  I should post it anyway because listening to Sam is hilarious.  He would say trick or treat, wait on his candy and then throw his hat back and say…”see!  it’s me Samuel”.  TOOO CUTE!!!   All in all it was a fun night.  (Just in case you thought you miss counted, Brittney was a great big help to me, she walked around and acted mature….I wonder what she wants?????)