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Monthly Archives: March 2007
Yes, this was all MY life … true story.
Honestly, this is the first time in 17 years that I’ve thought about this stuff and for whatever reason the memories just came flooding back. I’ve searched the internet for traces of him.
I actually did see him once. It was a summer day of shopping in Commerce, I had lost a baby a few months before, was horribly depressed, had stopped wearing make-up, gained a ton of weight, etc…. R and I had taken the 3 kids to buy something and went to Ryans for supper. The cutest baby boy was sitting across the room, tons of blonde hair and when he turned around his eyes were electric blue. Sure enough he held up his arms to his daddy standing there…. and “my” blue-eyes stood in front of me. We said a casual hello. Gosh, my heart was pounding, I wanted to scream at him that I was innocent. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to hold his son in my arms. It was CRAZY! The only thing he asked was if I was still in music and told me he was singing at Free Chapel. Introduced me to his (unbeliebably perfect) wife and his older son and then they were gone. I tortured myself for weeks for not getting his number or SOMETHING. His mom died a few years ago and a friend called to tell me but I was too busy with life to go to the funeral. Her obituary is the only place he is mentioned on the world wide web. I’ve searched classmates, myspace, phone books, our college alumni to no avail. I guess he doesn’t want to be found.
I don’t know what I’d say to him … I’m still hurt, especially now with writing it all down but I’d LOVE to see him. Maybe it’s simply nostalgia. Maybe it’s the realization that love is never what we think it is. Maybe it’s this search I’m on to try and figure out if I chose a wrong path somewhere. And if I did, I wouldn’t go back, I wouldn’t even give back all the pain if I had to give back all of the blessings too.
Grace wants to know if I’m done…
I’ve got a ton of more stories, things that have happened, sad things, happy things, crazy things. I just don’t have a ton of time to write it down.
We won’t discuss what I’ve neglected this weekend…..
Maybe Grace needs to do a few loads of laundry since I supplied her morning coffee read….giggle…
Read about the Easter Egg first… this will make more sense.
It was spring quarter of her fresheman year in college. Everything was beautiful. Everyone was beautiful. The ring on her left finger was beautiful. The easter memories of her engagement were beautiful LIFE was beautiful. Well, not EVERYthing. School work was hard and seemed so unimportant in light of her upcoming wedding. More than that – work was no fun. She knew that her cashier job at the Winn Dixie was only temporary but it was a way to save for their life together and the more she worked the more she could put away for them. On the other hand, the more she worked the less time she had to spend with him. He was working hard and long also. Ah yes…. him! She couldn’t help but hearing that song again… blue eyes smiling at me, nothing but blue eyes do I see. Yes, life was beautiful.
Of course she was still young and missing hanging out with her friends. All the other cashiers were hanging out with the bag boys and stock clerks in the break-room, she would thumb through the bridal magazines but still listen in to their playful fun. The sudden cheer at the door as another worker came in, drew her attention to the door. Oh… just him – she’d seen him around, easy on the eyes, she flashed a smile and went back to her magazine. There seemed to be a bit of playful jeering toward the stock guy and for some reason she felt a bit embarrased causing her to leave quickly. Over the next couple of weeks the stock guy would come through her line several times a shift, always parked next to her and seemed in general to always be in her presence. It was no-big-deal, they were becoming friends and had several mutual friends. The blue-eyed love of her life working late hours left her alone after her shift and she found comfort in her new friends.
Then one day in early May she took her usual magazine to the break room. Oddly the room was empty except for a single red rose on a table. It’s beauty called to her and the fragrance had already filled the room – she was completely shocked to see the card addressed to her. It couldn’t be? ahhhh – he did it again, surprised her again, all of these ways that he showed his love. The tears pooled in her green eyes as she opened the card. What? This makes no sense…. she read it over and over but her mind just couldn’t wrap around the meaning of the words. And him? Why this guy? Why would he send this flower?
The card simply read: I know you think you are happy but there is so much more in life for you. Let me SHOW you more in life – think hard about your future. …. stock guy…
Her heart pounded in her chest. Why would someone say that? Why would anyone dare to assume her happiness? …she would talk to him and straighten it out…. but the beautiful rose would serve as a reminder to her of her future, she carried it to the car and later to her room at home.
She did have that talk with the stock guy. He was awfully convincing. Open about his attraction to her and honest about her young age, planting in her maybe a tiny bit of doubt. She hugged him, thanked him and more than assured him of her happiness as she went off to see her blue-eyes again. The rose was already starting to wilt in her room the following Sunday as she changed out of her church clothes preparing for a short trip. Today would be the day that she shared this man that she loved with others that she dearly loved. She couldn’t contain the smile as she bound down the stairs anxious to be greeted by his warm smile. Instead, he was angry. He had seen the rose, read the card. He said he knew her choice. He knew that she was cheating on him. He would not listen to her side, refused to believe her truth. The thorns on that rose could NEVER cut her so deeply. She loved him, would NEVER do that to him. Why couldn’t he listen? She just HAD to get his attention, do something drastic, make him think. She took the diamond from her hand and threw it at his chest. “here…take your promise back, if you can’t trust me now, you’ll never trust me in marriage”
His anger was so strong, flashing blue lightning strikes from his eyes, the set of his jaw hiding the dimple in his left cheek. He didn’t even respond in words, stuffed the ring deep in his pocket, pulled out his keys and drove away.
She sobbed for hours.
Wept for days.
Cried for weeks.
All the while waiting on him to see the truth.
She couldn’t call him, couldn’t be the one to give in. She wasn’t wrong here. She had done nothing wrong. She had chosen him, loved him, wanted nothing or no one but him.
One month passed with no calls or letters. Everyone encourage her to move on. Her parents assured her it wasn’t meant to be … told her that she could never be happy with him after this. The blue ribbons tied around her heart began to losen a bit and the memory of his smile didn’t seem so bright.
The first date with stock guy was nice … new, exciting. He really was nice and had so many qualities that she had been blinded to before. They quickly became the talk of the store and her life moved on.
There were days that she wanted to call, times that she thought about the blue eyes that used to smile at her. After 6 months she knew that he would never call. The following Easter she came across the tiny gold box that had held her ring, but she couldn’t recall the urgency that had been there before. She threw the box away and part of her trust in men, part of her understanding of love was buried with the other garbage. There was a new man in her life, a mature man, a man that had also been hurt and together they would make a future – neither of them fully trusting and certainly never again loving so blindly as she had done before.
Seventeen years and never again did a red rose mean love to her. She buried the memories until now.
Seventeen years may not be long in the span of ones lifetime but it’s a long time for memories to survive. Anger and resentment buried the memories for so long. Besides, it was barely more than half a year of her life… so few months that one wouldn’t consider it an important or even memorable relationship. It could easily be written off if not for the easter eggs. These thoughts have been planted deep for so long and now spring has brought forth the blooms of her memories.
Once upon a time a young lady was wading through the basic classes at the local community college. As a first year student, studies were important but finding the perfect man seemed to come high on the priority list. High school days seemed far behind and dating now meant looking for a mate. Her love for music and hopes of one day becoming a teacher led her to choose music education for a major. Any spare time was spent alone in the rehearsal cubicles with a piano and theory books spread wide. That is where she met him. Though the rooms were set to be sound-proof, one could stand close and listen, and of course the glass walls allowed viewing at all times. Winter weather sent her inside quickly that day but she stopped suddenly realizing that someone else was in her preferred room. He sang with such feeling and continuously re-wrote the line of music as he played it over and over. She could only stand and watch not even realizing that he would eventually “catch” her looking. He did. Her heart lept with one look … forget about Blue Skies (the song) – she re-wrote it in the moment – blue eyes, smiling at me, nothing but blue eyes do I see !! And yes, he was smiling at her. The deep blush burned her eyes and she had to move on, out of his sight. The next day, start of a new quarter, found the two of them in class together. Their eyes locked and her mind sang again and his reaction seemed to be the same. What started that day was a whirlwind romance. But, as most freshmen know, a serious relationship can lead to serious distraction from school-work.
They were such a cute couple, his bright blue eyes and blonde hair kept one from noticing his average height and build, she was petite with a happy smile and they were so lost with each other that the rest of the world just faded into the winter clouds. Skipping classes to snuggle in the car or take a drive dreaming of the future became more frequent than attending – this lead to dropping grades and threats from parents. His life had already been hard and college was necessary for both of their futures to be promising. Yet… love was the only thing that seemed to matter. School (parents) and work kept them from being together for all but a few hours each week … how would they ever survive? She would awaken each morning with the same song in her ears and she would hold that first deep breath in dreaming of someday. Her young mind could only imagine a future of sitting next to him on a piano stool, writing love songs together …. Nothing could compare. She often wondered if he felt the same urgency to be with her, if his heart pounded as hers did when she spotten him across the room, if he knew that her heart was tied with blue ribbons shot straight from his eyes? Winter soon showed signs of ending and that brought forth glorious spring days.
The weather was perfect. An early spring filled March with flowers and white blooms snowing across the campus. They would walk, as other lovers have often done, holding hands and silent in their happiness. They were the ones that others watched. They also quickly discovered that a passionate love can lead to passionate arguments but it seemed to prove even more that they were meant for each other. When he started pushing for her to spend Easter Sunday with him she was simply bewildered and put it off as part of his aggressive, be the man, behavior. Her parents regrettably agreed, to which she was shocked, and he arrived early Easter morning to take her to church. The day could not have been more perfect. A small community church with his whole family and she fit in so well. The traditional lunch at his grandparents had her a bit on edge but he assured her that the extended family would be accepting to her presence. Little children scattered into the warm sun the moment the okay was given to hunt eggs. It seems that grandma and grandpa had the best egg hunt around and the cameras were abundant. His smile seemed as bright as his blue eyes that day and he was giddy with what she assumed was memories from his childhood. After only moments of watching the children he started to guide her toward the other side of the yard, encouraging her to look for eggs that may not be found by the little ones. Just then the wind picked up enough to blow a patch of clover and the sun found the bright gold of an egg. She smiled and pointed it out to him … there were tears in his eyes. Confused by his emotions she forgot about the egg and turned her attention to him, begging him to tell her what was wrong. He laughed and told her to go get the “egg”. As she got closer she realized that what she thought was an egg was actually a round, but very tiny, gold box. She picked it up and opened it to an even bigger shine…. only a solitaire diamond can catch the sun in that way. And he dropped to one knee right there in the clover, surrounded by this family and the warmth of spring. He declared his love for her and asked her to be his wife while he slipped the perfectly sized ring on her finger. How did he know what size? How did he know that she loved him so? How could he know this was perfect? The rest of the day is lost to her memory ….
A deep sigh brings her back to now – sitting in front of her is a bucket of open, and now empty, eggs. Their beauty is broken out of the eagerness for the prize inside. Is that what happend to them? Did their eagernees for a future together break with the rush to have the prize too soon? Is the rest of the story even worth the time of remembering?
The few months that followed that Easter Sunday must have been so exciting. The early plans of a long engagement were quickly put away. They only wanted to be together – to share their love for a lifetime. The pressure of real-life started to sink in as they searched for jobs and cars and homes. Sadly, their push to be married quickly also pushed them to spend less time together and more time working. Summer was coming quickly and they both felt the heat…. heat of forever, heat of leaving their friends behind, heat of real life not measuring up to their spring-time dreams. She doesn’t know if he heard rumors or if he truly was checking up on her but the thorns on the rose that caused the fight could never cut her as deeply as he did that day. It was a Sunday afternoon and they were alone in her parents house preparing for a short trip to meet her extended family. He had seemed aggitated all morning and when she came down the stairs he confronted her. She was cheating on him, he knew it. He had seen the rose and he knew what she was doing behind his back. Appalled at his words, and innocent, her anger rose to levels that he had never seen. They argued to no avail – he would not trust her, would not believe her truth. With tears streaming down her face she took off the ring and threw his promises right at his chest. Surely he would believe her if she did something so drastic, surely he would not walk away……
She never saw him again.
He never called.
She never called.
And the gold box was thrown away ….. The easter egg was forever lost in the heavy cover of clover called unforgiveness.