THIS is the “norm” for Sundays at 6

This is a short excerpt from my personal journal 2 years ago.

It’s been 2 years since God alerted us to this realization that transition from one home to another, especially for children of divorce, is difficult.  We now choose to stop and pray every Sunday at 6 – a “typical” transition time for American children to go from one home to another.

Schedules, rules, food, parenting and so much more are different.

For a few days my children have lived outside of my “way of life”. They have had time to adapt to new circumstances that brought new rules. And now, in the matter of a car ride, my expectation is that they just remember the way WE do things.

My irritation arises as my plan for the evening slowly turns into discipline and instruction. I quickly forget how my heart longed to just hear their sweet voices as I shush them for the hundredth time. I have to slip away to get a grip on my own emotions, I seek refuge for myself and am reminded that I have security in Christ.
Proverbs 14:26 Those who fear the Lord are secure; he will be a refuge for their children.
Today as I take a few moments to pray for the children struggling through the life of divorced parents I can’t help but be thankful that my own children have a place of refuge in the Lord. My choices tossed my children into this sea of difference, a life split between two homes; and now my choices have to center around calming that storm.

Only through God in me, renewing me, can I be used in the healing of this hurt.
“How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings” (Psalm 36:7)

Thank you God for covering these children in the shadow of your wings. Father, I pray that you bring gentleness into the parents as they send or receive their children tonight. Thank you for giving us instruction in Proverbs 15 that “a gentle answer deflects anger”. I pray that each of us have “the heart of the godly [that] thinks carefully before speaking”. You alone God are our “refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). I pray Lord that we can be an example to our children, turning to you in every circumstance. Tonight I pray that these precious children feel peace as they enter into new, or old, rules and schedules. Thank you God that we can call on Your name and have confidence that You hear the cries of our heart and You have a plan for each of these children, a plan to prosper them, not bring them harm. Be magnified oh God! Amen

Sundays at 6

The little boy clung to him with arms and legs and chin buried deep in his Daddy’s shoulder. And the Daddy clung back with his eyes shut.

And Mommy stood impatiently watching.

I wondered what she was thinking – ….. I’m the one who does it all – and with no help from him! I feed him and clothe him and take him to school. I get up with the nightmares and again with the light of day. I do it all ALONE. Why does my son love him so much?

As Daddy put the little boy in the car …. I wish I had more time. Does he know I love him? It will be a long week before I hold him again.

And Daddy was ready to go.

But Mommy wasn’t done.

I couldn’t hear her words but she was so expressive looking him straight in the eye. So wholly speaking to him that she followed him towards his truck – leaving the little boy in the hot car alone. She talked and talked and the Daddy was patient. He leaned against the truck and looked at everything except her. He responded when necessary but showed no emotion. When he pulled his keys out of his pocket she pulled out the tears.

And the little boy sat in the hot car.

I don’t know their story. But today whatever she needed to say to the Father of her child was more important than her child. She momentarily forgot that she was receiving her son and took the opportunity to emotionally vomit all over this man, the Daddy of her son.

And that son sat in the hot car.

This is divorce. This is Sundays at 6 …. or noon …. or Saturday morning …. or Tuesday night.

Sometimes I want to say, remember this from your custody agreement?

“Both parties shall carry out parenting in a manner conducive to the best inetrests of the children.”

Remember this from the word of God?

Ecclesiastes 7:9 Control your anger because anger labels you a fool

– like walking away from your child in a hot car

There is always a choice – to remember a proper time and place and season (more wisdom from Ecclesiastes 3). May God speak into the life of this couple, I pray that someone in each of their lives speaks truth. May God speak peace and love into that little boy.

This is why we pray every Sunday at 6.

Join us wherever you are, stop and pray for children for divorce, for parents who are divorced to make wise choices.

 

 

“MY” vision for divorce – Dare 4

“It’s just a game and Dad said it’s okay at his house.”

 
The anger in me is hard to keep in check. A rated “M” game is not appropriate for a 10 year old. My thoughts are racing as I struggle to find the TRUTH in this situation and speak in love to my child.

 
“Son, when did you know that it was wrong for you to play this game? Was it just now when I brought it up?”

 
“No Mom, I knew you would not want me to play the game from the beginning. So I asked Dad and he told me that he didn’t think it was that bad.”

 
“Son, do you know that the Holy Spirit lives in you and sometimes speaks to you through that funny feeling in your tummy when you are doing something wrong?”

 
We went on to discuss how Christians are not of this world. How the Bible says that a time will come when Son will stand against Father on Biblical truth. We talked about the hard things in life. He cried and told me that it would be hard for him to choose not to play the game. I told him that Jesus promised us an “out” for every temptation. I asked him to tell me some scriptures he has hidden in his heart and told him that speaking or writing those words in a time of temptation will make him stronger. We prayed.

 
And when he left the room I allowed myself the anger that I felt ….
THIS is not how I envisioned divorce.

 
One of the big reasons I’m not married to his Dad is that we hold a different moral compass. I guess I thought that I was taking my children away from a world of mixed signals. Instead, I took them into a world where I’m not there sometimes when life gives them tough choices. My vision for divorce was skewed by society that said it would all be better if we were apart.

 
Thankfully, God is at work in the relationship with my ex-husband. My son told his Dad about our conversation and his Dad has asked to speak to me soon about “his house rules”. This gives me opportunity to pray and prepare and let God work.

 

In The Respect Dare, Nina Roesner writes:

“Did you know God has a vision for YOUR life? He has specific purposes in mind that YOU were specially created to breathe life into for His people and His glory.”

 
In 2 John the Bible encourages, no – commands, us to love one another. “And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.”

 
My vision for life after divorce was one of going forward with a new life, making decisions for my children and myself and NOT considering the thoughts or feelings of my ex-husband.

 
God’s vision for my life after divorce is one of reconciliation.

 
He has commanded me to love. I show that Godly love by respecting my ex-husband, by keeping myself in check as someone outside of his home, by praying for him to see the love of Christ in me and to turn from his ways toward Christ. I show that Godly love by responding with truth in front of my children, truth carefully wrapped in love that doesn’t cause them hurt (because I spoke a harsh word about their father).

 
What was your vision of divorce? Did you think it would be easier to live the life that you are called to? Were you blind to God’s truth but now can see?

 
Today I dare you to write a Godly vision in regards to your relationship with your ex-spouse. Spend time thinking about ways that God asks us to treat each other. Reflect on the life of Christ and how He treated those around Him – both the ones that loved Him and the ones that despised Him.

 
Praying today that divorced Christians become more like Christ.

What kind of fruit does your childhood yield? – Dare 2

Kelly wasn’t sure where there had been mis-communication.  Since Ron’s ex-wife had been the one to move, she should be the person burdened with the hour drive for her weekend visitation.  Here it was another Friday night and yet again there were changes to the schedule.  Kelly grew angrier with every moment as she sorted laundry and waited on Ron to get home.  He greeted her with the usual smile and kiss … but she was distracted.

“What happened this time?” Kelly demanded

“She said her car overheated and she needs someone to look at it before she drives this far.”

“And? What about the kids?”

Ron knew his answer would upset her, he hung his head and said, “We’re taking them down to her.”

Kelly had been studying respect for several months now but in the moment every lesson was far away…and she challenged her husband.

“Why would you agree to do that?  You know how I feel! This is crazy.  Every time you give in to her you are setting a precedent for the court system.  You have GOT to do this the right way.  Why would you go against me like this?”

And Ron’s humble statement stunned her to silence – “She asked.”

Ron was right, if anyone else, stranger or friend, had asked a favor, he would go out of his way to meet the need.  This was one of the things she loved most about Ron.  And more than that, this favor protected the hearts of his children.  Ron spoke so much truth in that moment.  He spoke of his own character, he spoke with the love of Christ for his enemy, he spoke volumes to Kelly about all that was dark inside her heart.

Kelly was raised in a home where dad was the king and everyone else served him, especially Kelly’s mom.  Kelly had determined long ago to NOT go out of her way for people.  As Kelly’s heart was softened by the Holy Spirit she was learning that maybe she had went too far in the opposite direction of her mom; Still, Kelly’s heart had hardened toward people who seemed to not be able to “help themselves” – there was unfounded judgement there and Ron’s 2 simple words spoke of his freedom to just love.

Galatians 5:14, 16 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love others as you love yourself”.  I advise you to obey only the Holy Spirit’s instructions. He will tell you where to go and what to do, and then you won’t always be doing the wrong things your evil nature wants you to do.

I recently heard someone say, “Our personal opinions become the greatest obstacle of Christ centered freedom. My parents, upbringing, personality, friends and location give more to my opinion than the truth of Christ.”

It seems that was happening in Kelly’s heart and she wanted to change.  Kelly relayed the above story to me several weeks later. It was hard for me to not “side” with her and agree with everything she had said to Ron.  Divorce brings separation, it leans toward choosing sides, it binds people to keep records of wrong  – divorce can lead people to follow their  “own wrong inclinations” (just like in Galatians 14: 19-21).  Even though Kelly had a legitimate reason for not wanting to drive the kids, Ron was clearly following the leading of the Holy Spirit and his life was producing that fruit.  Kelly asked me to pray with her to show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22).  I also reminded Kelly that self-control can sometimes mean that we only have the ability to control ourselves and NOT the ability to control others.

Each of us bring childhood into our current relationship and it makes an impact on the way we “do life”.  Kelly chose to be the opposite of what was modeled for her but many others choose to go down the same path.  The Bible has given us clear direction to look for the fruit in our lives and a clear commandment to love.

Today I dare you to clearly label the fruit of your relationship with your ex-spouse.

Is there hatred and fighting, jealousy and anger, a constant effort to get the best for yourself?  – anyone living that life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.  If we are living now by the Holy Spirit’s power, let us follow the Holy Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives (even in divorce).

Praying for each of you as evaluate and seek all that is true, noble and right. What kind of fruit will you find?

~Katy

Dare 1: Expectations (after divorce)

“…I realized the truth that people can only really control their own behavior.  When we focus on our behavior as we walk through our circumstances instead of emphasizing other people’s failures and shortcomings, we can create changes that affect our relationships long-term” – Nina Rosener, The Respect Dare page 9.

 

Nina wrote The Respect Dare for married women and she has started a journey through the 40 dares on her blog at www.ninaroesner.com.  I will be following along, taking the dares again (my 4th time through the book) and I’m looking forward to how God will be working in my own marriage.  However, one of my favorite things about this book is that my marriage was not the relationship that was impacted the most from these 40 dares.  God moved in my heart and a miraculous forgiveness occurred in a relationship that had been broken for many years.  Almost every day I am reminded of how just a little respect and a LOT of leaning on God can impact everyone in my world.

Respect is a Biblical commandment for married women, it’s not optional.  Respect after divorce …. well, one could argue that it’s not the same.  The passage in Ephesians is clearly speaking of marriage.  For me, if I had known the truths of respect BEFORE divorce, I may not be divorced today but I can’t (and don’t want to) go back and that’s not true for every situation.  Regardless of the road to divorce, I believe that the concept of respecting all of the men in my life can only bring about positive change for everyone involved.  Because I have children from a previous marriage AND step-children, learning to give respect in all relationships has the potential to change the lives of the children in my home.

Today I would also like to begin the journey of 40 dares but with the focus being on respect for my ex-spouse, his family and even our children. I invite you to join me. I will be blogging about most of the dares from Nina’s book, with permission, (though some of them are very marriage specific and we will take a different path there) so if you don’t have a copy already I encourage you to visit her website and purchase the book so that you can read along (or ahead) and make your own notes.

Through these 40 dares I hope to challenge you to have a better relationship with your ex-spouse (and maybe even your children who are living the divorce world) – specifically, a relationship that reflects the attributes of Christ in your life.  Just as the above quote said, I can only control my own behavior, not that of my ex-spouse.  But what if my behavior impacts him and he is able to see Christ in me?  THAT is my goal.  Are you ready to join me on this road to respect after divorce?  Take a deep breath, grab a pen (or open a word document) so you can keep notes and let’s take the first step together.

…   holding out my hand to hold yours ….

People say that marriage doesn’t come with a how-to manual but for some reason I had this thought that my divorce papers were my how-to manual on divorce.  Most of my divorce papers have statements similar to this:

“In the event the parties do not otherwise agree, then the following schedule shall control the exercise of the parties’ parenting time with the children.” 

I just expected to all-of-the-sudden have things laid out on a schedule and to no longer have surprises. The last few years of marriage were filled with unmet expectations and honestly I was ready for some structure, especially knowing when I could depend on help.  With the divorce rate remaining steady (and high) over the last 10 years, it seems to me that the collective “they” who sign off on divorce decrees would have thought of, and included all I will need to know.

Much to my surprise, finding out that my children would spend Easter weekend away from our traditions every other year was quite a shock.  I’m not really sure how that judge didn’t know that my Mother has hosted an Easter Egg Hunt (with money in those eggs) for the last 15 years and my children haven’t missed it since birth……

Dare 1: Expectations

There is almost a negative tone to the word for those of us who are divorced.  A failed marriage is the complete opposite of our expectation when we said “I do”. My own marriage ended after many years of the little expectations being unmet. So when the divorce papers were signed I put into place a whole new set of expectations.  In that, however, I made the mistake of believing that I was the author and finisher of all future expectations.  No longer did I have to be disappointed.  From now on, I’m alone in this walk, if something doesn’t get done – then the only person to blame is me! If the bills don’t get paid, I have to work more hours; if there are no clean towels, I have to stay up late to get them in the dryer; if the kids are sick I have to stay home; if there is an award ceremony, I have to go.  I had freedom in my expectations …. And then I remembered that he was still a part of almost all that I do.  Suddenly I was back to feeling let-down, angry and defeated.

The truth is, regardless of the decisions by lawyers/mediator/judge, my ex-husband and I still have to communicate and work through a lot of situations.  As our children grow there is a constant desire for them to have both parents a part of their lives. Not only do I have to meet the needs of the children in my care, often I have to go out of my way (and way out of my comfort zone) to include my ex-husband.  Then, if for some reason he can’t make it, I am left with explaining the “why”. I have to remember that this child loves his Dad, and I am called to “not let any unwholesome talk come from your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV).

 

My expectation has always been that my children would hunt Easter eggs at my Mother’s house.  Then I read the divorce papers and my expectation became one of disappointment and anxiety (my family won’t understand, my kids will be so sad).  I had a choice to make – and the only end was communication with my ex-husband. The truth is that my ex-husband doesn’t care much about Easter weekend.  With a lot of prayer and a phone call the weekend visitation was swapped and my children still enjoy a life-long tradition.

Today I dare you to take account of the expectations you have after divorce.

Know, above all else, that divorce does NOT mean you are alone.  Isaiah 41:10 says “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I would love to hear from you.  How are expectations playing out in your journey after divorce?

Learning these lessons with you my friend!

~Katy

If you are remarried I would greatly encourage you to ask your husband to share his thoughts with you about expectations.  I would also suggest that you ask your husband to pray with you and for you as you begin this journey.  Thankful and blessed to have my Knight by my side!

Showers of Blessing

I grew up Southern Baptist……

in North Georgia………

and my Daddy was the Pastor.

We sang hymns.

 I know all 6 verses (and all 4 parts) of Just As I Am and can probably quote page #’s from the *new* (well new in 1980)  burgundy Baptist Hymnal for at least 20 songs.  LOL!!   

The feeling I get when I pick up a hymnal, or sit at my piano with the book in front of me, or walk into a traditional service …. nostalgia!  peace!  joy! thankfulness!

What a wonderful gift my parents gave me – bringing up this child in the way of the Lord.  And as I age I return, sometimes to things that I had NO idea would be such a gift.

Counting my blessings has always been one of those things that growing up in church taught me.  This song was one of my favorites …

♫There shall be showers of blessing: This is the promise of love;

There shall be seasons refreshing, sent from the Savior above.

Showers of blessing, showers of blessing we need;

Mercy-drops ’round us are falling, but for the showers we plead.  ♫

Ezekiel 34:26 (NLT)

I will bless my people and their homes around my holy hill. And in the proper season I will send the showers they need. There will be showers of blessing.

So much of every day life is spent just dodging the arrows of strife, crying out to the Lord, questioning every decision and move … thanking Him for letting the mercy drops fall all around us.

But  God says that in the proper season He will bless us and send the showers we need.   Are we looking for that season?  Is it maybe already here?  Are we missing it?

Today I dare you to look at this verse and remember that YOUR CREATOR, the Father of Lights wants to show you off as the crown of His creation.  I dare you to  take the time to remember what He thinks about you and says about you…… then  see how the showers of blessing are falling all around you even today.

James 1: 16-18 (MSG)

So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God,  nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.

Today I changed my photo here at the blog.  Divorce and remarriage are HARD!  There are a lot of “lessons” and things to learn.  But today I saw this and I saw the showers of blessing that have fallen on me.  Pictured with me are my Knight and our 9 blessings!  

Praise God for His abundance, His showers, His love!!
Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/260#ixzz2qUwP3Aax

Why Respect after Divorce?

I read The Respect Dare as a newlywed …..

4 months into my 3^rd marriage!

The truth is I took the class because I wanted to begin connecting with other women in our new church – and that was the only class that seemed interesting.   (I encourage you to FIND A GROUP if you are not already a part – women need women!)

The truth is that if I had known the Biblical truths represented in this book THEN, maybe I wouldn’t be on my 3^rd marriage NOW.

 The truth hurts sometimes.

Another beautiful truth:

2 Corinthians 5: 17-19 (Message)

Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other.

 

Praise God that the old is gone and He created the new.  Praise God that my past does not define who I am today!

 

My Knight and I have now been married almost 3 years and every day I am practicing the lessons that I have learned about respect in marriage.  Both Martin and I are divorced so our marriage has been riddled with blended family issues; child support, court dates, a Guardian ad Litem, ex-spouses moving (closer and farther away) … the list could go on and on.  Let’s just say that thanks to a growth spurt in my Christian walk (charged by The Respect Dare), and a true belief in the Covenant I entered into with God and my Knight, we will remain married until death do us part.

The enemy has certainly been active in our world.  All of those above issues could easily have broken our marriage – honestly, I was broken over and over, and we’ve only been married 2 years!!!  So…………..why respect after divorce?  Because the enemy has already declared a foothold into my world and it’s time for me to stomp on his toes and remind him of his future!

Sometimes I think that divorce comes with a big scarlet letter and equally I think that divorce is so common today that it’s almost rated a non-event.  I’m stuck in the middle of the pendulum and given the setting sometimes I get hit with both the letter and the non-event in the same sentence.  That tells me that the world hasn’t quite figured out the “normal” for this thing called divorce.  And that leads to the reason that I feel led to write on this topic …. There is hope.  Hope that the lessons God has taught me will become the “norm” after divorce. 

I’m so excited some days about the things that I want to share here and I sit down and realize that each post has to have a logical point – and then I just stop … because my “woman” brain has all the spaghetti noodles of each story intertwined with the next and it takes energy and time to separate them into something that all of you can understand. 

Did I mention that our blended family is blessed with 9 children?  And we all live together in our home in north Georgia? And I work part-time at Chick-fil-A? And we host a small group in our home once a week? And I do a lot of other stuff because I love people and I love food and I love shopping and I have a heart for babies….  

*smile*   God has been so good!

Today I want to end with the REAL beginning of this call to ministry. 

I’ve followed Nina Roesner, author of The Respect Dare, on her blog and Facebook for the last 2 years.  I was so excited about the things God was doing in me that I wanted to share with her (and anyone else who would listen).  Our friendship grew over time and God placed on our hearts separately that I would become a part of the Greater Impact Ministry team. I became an active volunteer over a year ago and I love getting to know these women!!  Nina has been a true mentor, leader and friend and I’m humbled under her constant encouragement and support.

I’ve known for awhile that I was putting The Respect Dare into practice in every area of my life.  2 months ago I met with Nina and her right-hand, Debbie,  for a few hours.  A beautiful gift of quiet time to walk, talk and pray together.  During that time, Debbie spoke the words – “so you might feel led to share The Respect Dare with other women who are divorced?” – and my mind started rolling.  A few weeks later, I had one of those sleepless nights that really can just irritate a busy lady.  Thankfully I am learning to just give up on sleep and go to the Lord, seeking His will for those hours.  I stoked the dying fire and pulled out my Bible to read by candle light.  That night God showed me a scripture that spoke clearly to me. 

The call for each of us, as Christians, is to love.

Now, that’s not really new information.  I mean we have the Fruits of the Spirit, we have the Greatest Commandment, we have the Gift of God’s one and only Son, the Bible is all about love.

 But love in divorce?

Divorce is all about hurt and separation and if you have kids is usually really ugly.

There’s not a lot of love.

But God led me to 2 John – the whole chapter speaks clearly to this ministry opportunity for me but here are a few verses that really pop off the page. Verses 1 and 5-6

The elder,

To the lady chosen by God and to her children, whom I love in the truth—and not I only, but also all who know the truth—² because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever:

And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another.  And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

 

Please know that I am in NO WAY saying that I have a new interpretation of these verses.  I have not actually read any commentary about “the lady” or “the elder” and this particular situation.  But I happen to believe that God speaks loudly through His scriptures directly into my life today.  This is one of those times for me.

I found it beautiful that the elder chose to direct a letter to just the lady and her children.  So many women today are walking this path alone; whether by choice, by death or by divorce, they are alone and often with children.

The BIG thing that I see here though is the charge to L.O.V.E.  And that the result of love is walking in the commandments.

Wow – what a challenge.

For me, to walk that commandment with the everyday people in my life is not easy.  To love them as Christ loves me, I have to rely on His strength.  But to love those on the other side of my divorce situation ……   it’s one of those moments I want to say “really, God?  Him/her too?”.

So THIS is where the ministry begins.

Today I dare you to stop and pray, by name, for anyone you know that is divorced.  I dare you to pray for love to become ever-present in their lives.

Thanks for joining me on this challenge.  God has shown up for me in this area.  I can’t wait to begin to share the stories.  I also dare you to share this with all of your friends, Facebook, email and in person.  I am excited to see all that He is going to do!

Love to you,

~katy

“Grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift” Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Sometimes I’m looking for a place where I could just scream out everything that I really wanted to say to a group of loving people who would give me a High Five! And, then… grab me by the shoulders, look me in the face, and say, “Feel better? Good. Now, take a deep breath, and get back to it.”

That’s pretty much how I feel when my children come home from visiting with their other parent.

Our family is truly a blended family – I have 2 daughters from my first marriage, 4 children from my second marriage and my Knight has 3 children … all 9 of them live in our home. Our visitation arrangements are crazy and pretty much mean that somebody is returning to our home every weekend. We celebrate homecoming with a family dinner every Sunday night. It’s loud and fun and we just give up on taking turns talking.

But then …..

Bedtime is different than at that other house.

I left my favorite blanket at Dad’s.

Can I call Mom just to tell her good-night?

I *hate* sharing a room!

I don’t want to sleep alone – can I sleep in your bed?

Homework? No, Mom didn’t want me to do homework on her time.

Chores? I do EVERYTHING around here!!!

The list can go on and on and on.  And some nights it does …. for hours.

Martin and I implemented something called the 24-hour rule in our home just after we were married. It’s really a “rule” for ourselves…. a reminder. These children have been outside of our care and influence and it just takes time for them to get back into the swing of things.Depending on the time away, sometimes this phase lasts longer than 24 hours. Our expectations are always the same but their reactions to our “rules” are often more emotional (angry and/or tearful) and that’s when we choose to show mercy. It’s not easy! I can quickly grow weary of repeating myself when it comes to a certain child’s “addiction” to everything electronic and another child’s eye-rolling, back-talking attitude. And then I’m reminded …

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9 ESV

Father God is patient with me in His discipline and in His fulfillment of all that He wants for me because His desire is for me to reach repentance.

THAT is my desire for our children. Not that they just stop, drop and roll right back into THIS HOUSE way of life but instead that they are tenderly and gently loved into seeing right from wrong and making a wiser choice.

“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.” Matthew 5:7 ESV

Lord, Today I need your mercy poured out according to Christ’s gift to me. I know that You are able to make all grace abound to me so that in all things I will be sufficient in Your good works. It is my desire, Father, to lead my children by example. You have graciously given your mercy to me, I pray that I pour out the same, through Your strength, to my children. Thank You, Father for loving me with an everlasting love. Amen

Today I dare you to show mercy in the situations that come your way. Knowing that circumstances are often the underlying reason for the reaction of others can help you to give when it comes to mercy.

Love to you!

~katy

Divorced? Christmas morning

7:52 am Christmas morning 2009

It’s quiet. I slept late. Did the kids already see what Santa brought?

Oh.  wait.

The kids, they’re gone – with him. And it’s Christmas.

That was my first ever and one and only Christmas morning alone. And I cried, a lot. One would sometimes think that being a single Mom to 6 and a day alone, a day of quiet and no work, that’s a gift all in itself. But one would be wrong when it comes to holidays and divorce.

Emotions are a funny thing for me.  I’m pretty sure that my main emotion on that Christmas day was sadness.  But my emotions went something like this …

Sad>Lonely>Blessed>Lonely>Mad>Entitled>Lonely>Blaming myself

It wasn’t pretty.

That line doesn’t really do it justice though.

I’m sad that it’s Christmas morning and it’s different.

I’m lonely well more like, I’m completely alone here.

But wow! I have given birth to 6 blessings, they are mine to love and raise and they will be coming home to OUR home very soon.

But …. My babies are gone right now.

Stupid divorce(s).  I can’t believe our marriage ended and here I am (again). These laws, parenting “plans”, are just wrong – I’m the Mother, I deserve them, right now in my home.

And I’m alone.

Because I did this. I let this happen (again). I let him walk away, I helped him leave. Right now, this minute, would be better with him… we could make it work, right?

Even 4 years later the emotion is real.  The questions, the statements, it brings this pit to my stomach that seems to not really go away.  Divorce does that to a person.  Clearly one of the reasons that I think God hates divorce, because it hurts His child ….deeeeep… in a place that He can heal but a place that leaves a scar.  I’m so thankful that He, that God, knitted together my innermost being, because He knows where to find the pit of my stomach.

And as I ponder, there are things about my story that God knows just as deeply as my innermost being.

He knows the pain of being apart from His son.

John 3:16-17 “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.”

Setting aside the Oneness of the Trinity, God sent His son, apart from His presence, apart from His home in Heaven.

Essentially, God woke up Christmas morning without His child, just like me.

Months before (just like me) He had to set things into motion, He had to start letting go (just like me), He sent an angel to tell Mary, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.”

Sometimes I get caught up (especially in the moments of emotion like above) in believing that I am all alone in my pain.  I can talk myself into believing that no one has felt this sadness before or known this disappoint like me. I even go so far as to say that while 50% of American families are sliced apart by divorce, none of them have my painful situation. The depth of my pain has never been felt.

And I would be wrong.

The differences in the stories are grand. God’s Son was away from Heaven for years and His one and only purpose was to take upon Him the weight of the sins of the world, my sins, and to suffer the ultimate punishment of separation from God the Father– it was all in His perfect plan to reconcile each of us to Him.

My children are away from my presence for short amounts of time.  They are enjoying the love of their own father in the absence of their mother.  They are not suffering or being led to a higher calling.

But I am.

I am called to be Christ-like.  The very definition of referring to myself as a Christian means that I am like Him.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

And Jesus said in John 10:20 – “I and the Father are one.”

Jesus also said in John 14:15 “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”

And the commandment in John 13:34-35 –“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Or in Matthew 22:37-39 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Sometimes we think that commandment to love is easy – sometimes it IS easy.  But with divorce …. That commandment to love can be hard.

I know.

That Christmas morning I didn’t feel a lot of love for the man that had fathered my children and had taken them away for the moment – but God was still calling me to love.

Slowly, as I learn to put my children first, I am learning that the commandments of Christ, and of God the Father Who knows my suffering, are essential.

Just as God the Father wants me to be like Him, through imitation of Christ the Son, I the mother want my children to be like me, and they WILL do that by imitation.

Father God, I pray today that you will make me more like You.  Father show me how to love ALL even in the midst of my pain.  Thank you Father that you knit me together and that you know my innermost being, forgive me for the sin that You find still there.  I praise You Creator for all that I have, indeed, it is good.  Amen

Today – I dare you, divorced woman, to allow God to see your innermost being (He created it anyway).  I dare you to give Him your pain with the knowledge that he “gets it”.   I dare you to live according to His commands and love ALL.

Today, I dare all of you to share – statistics say that at least half of the people you come into contact with in every day life (whether in person or online) are touched by divorce.  Help us show them that God has a calling even for them.  A calling to love one another.

Humbled to be asked to write this by Him, thankful to walk in obedience today.

Love to all – Katy

If it takes a village …. why do I feel so guilty?

In the ring tonight:

PARENTING vs PROVISION

 My oldest memory, and the call on my life, PARENTING is here for the fight.  By definition, the rearing of a child, epsecially the care, love and guidance given by a parent.  Training was on the job and many years ago, and has basically been handed off to others for large chunks of time.  This leaves PARENTING  going into the fight feeling defeated.

 Favored for the win tonight is PROVISION ….  the art of providing the needs particularly for parents to their children.  Food and shelter seem to not be enough in this day and age, instead PROVISION must also supply a steady stream of technology and activities to keep BOREDOM at bay for she is always in the wings ready to enter the fight.  Sinking economy, every day emergencies (like no A/C in the house and no brakes on the truck) and a demanding work schedule does have PROVISION on edge, so the fight may be till the bitter end.

 

The arena is my heart, my soul, my mind.  It never seems to end.  This constant battle of what is best. 

Obviously I am writing from the dilema of being a single mom and that makes my circumstances slightly different but when I look at my happily married, stay at home mom/dad, friends, I would think that they must have the same inner struggles. 

I struggle even now with what to share here.  I am perplexed and defeated right now.  I look at those above definitions and I wonder who should win.  I know the answer is that there HAS to be a tie.  A happy medium and a balance.  The scale tips heavily to the provision side for me these days though and my biggest heartache is that my parenting is falling to the wayside. 

My budget, on paper, allows for us to live a fairly normal, though frugal, lifestyle.  I kept my home in the divorce and my child support pays for it.  My cars are paid off and praise GOD I have no outstanding debt.  That leaves my income as a retail manager to pay for everything else.  The problem comes in when we don’t live by that paper budget to the letter.  When summer starts in GA mid-April and the a/c needs a charge and then a couple weeks later the brakes went out on my truck.  Of course those are emergencies … but I will admit that even in every day life I find it hard to stick to only what I need.  It is SO hard to sacrifice a warm gooey pizza delivered to the front door after I work a 9 hour day and come home to whiney kids.  I used to be really frugal with eating out, we still follow the only drink water rule but now the $1 menu may have more selections but the portion is just not enough.  But before I get lost in retail food world …..

It is summertime at my house.  Last year, my first year single, things were difficult between the kids but we made it the 9 weeks and everyone did ok.  This year …… sigh …. it’s not going so well.  Many, many, many people have told me I am wrong to leave my teenage daughters in charge of my little ones.  I know that it has been discussed behind my back and I also know that from the outside looking in it doesn’t seem like a good solution.  And now, we have hit the hard times.  It’s NOT working.  Outside of my home, Brittney and Sarah have both been babysitting for many years.  I pride myself on the early years of parenting I taught my girls to be loving sisters  and just in general helpers.  They do well …. everywhere else.  But for reasons that each and every one of us have likely experienced but really don’t quite comprehend, it’s really hard to be our best with those we love the most.  Maybe I set my expectations too high.  Maybe Nicholas turning 13 … and learning to stand his stubborn (your NOT in charge of me) ground.  Maybe taking away cable/satellite TV.  Maybe and most likely, my own parenting when I’m home failing to near nothing.  Maybe it’s all or none of those but I know it won’t continue to work.  I can’t run my business and field phone calls of … he won’t do his chores … the boys are fighting … there’s nothing to eat … Alli is whiney … I have had to ignore a possible emergency in my home to wait on a customer (no worries, just another He will NOT LISTEN) and I have had to just hang up out of frustration …. What do you want me to do from 20 miles away??????   I can’t be at work and at home.  I can’t enforce rules from afar.  I can’t break up a fight or just sit and cuddle because that’s all she needs.  But the biggest of all ….. I CAN’T NOT WORK.   And PROVISION takes the win. 

So, I pondered what to do.

The clear vision that I want of a community working together just doesn’t exist.  It takes a village to raise a child?  Then why am I alone raising 6?  And more than that, why does my heart pound at the very thought of making this a public blog?  I am beating myself up as a failure already.  And then I get angry…. at me….. for not calling on my village. How has this society so influenced me away from calling out to my friends and loved ones?  There is NO way I am the only one that has that feeling.  Sure I need a night out or to go to the grocery store alone or to have a work day when I don’t worry but …. all of you have a life too.  Just as busy as mine.  I can’t ask YOU.  I can’t burden you.  And to top that, my large family lends to me being even MORE withdrawn from asking.  Most people don’t even drive a vehicle big enough to seat 1 or 2 extra children … certainly not even half of mine.  So … it’s just too much to ask.

And before you panic.  I’m not asking. I’m pondering.  I can’t get past this whole that I’ve dug myself.  And this is a VERY controversial thought I’m  putting out there, but one that I think about sometimes.  I can name names (I won’t) and I can point out many many others in society that take full advantage of the programs our government has put into place to help those in need.  I won’t make judgements of the programs or even of the people accepting.  I enjoyed my WIC food when the children were younger.  I have been a part of the system.  But …. let’s just say for arguments sake …. I got laid-off from my job tomorrow.  And then I told a little fib about exactly how much support I get.  And don’t think for one minute it can’t be done!!  I wonder, how nicely would the government support me?  I could sit home with my babies and love them every day.  We could eat some really good food.  Would it be enough to live?  I’m thinking I could get away with a lot in that area. 

And again … before you panic, lol.  I’m not going down that road either, unless something really bad happens. 

PROVISION does win right now.  The good thing is, I really enjoy management … not so much the retail world, not so much even the franchise I work for (since they are not real good at keeping promises or interested in rewarding those who work hard).  I enjoy the reward of work.  I have a years worth of numbers to show I am good at what I do.  I have an intense desire to learn more and better than that a competetive spirit that likes to WIN!!  So at least I am not burdened with a mundane task that puts food on the table.

PARENTING  just can’t lose though.  And for that I need your prayers.  God has a plan for my children.  God has a plan for my place as the parent.  I need to align with His plan.  I need to follow His instruction manual in raising them and discipline (yes, girls, that part is on me too) and instruction.  More than that PARENTING usually happens just by living what we want our children to be.  I indeed want my children to all become great parents and great providers so …. the fight will continue.

My mind is the biggest battle field today and I just need to accept that in the ring is where the fight is supposed to happen.  PARENTING and PROVISION  both have to walk away from the fight bigger and better.